I have missed you every single day.

It’s been two years since we all came together in Cromer Crematorium and said goodbye Alice. So many people came.
I don’t think losing you had sunk in, it still hasn’t. There have been a few moments when the horror of losing you has overwhelmed me, but I could not stand the pain for more than a few seconds.

This picture of you I used on the back of the service program is of your first walk of freedom when you went on your own to the shop on the holiday park we were staying at. Perhaps we were overprotective as parents, you had been through so much but it was lovely seeing you head out on your own and have the feeling of autonomy.

Perhaps when you died you headed out on your own and it would be lovely to think of you having adventures. Alice you brought light and love to our world. you are deeply missed.

It seems like 5 minutes ago. It still hurts deeply but we are so greatful that your last days were so beautyful.

Thank you so much to everyone who supported Alice and made things better for her and for us. We are so greatful for so many things that it seems selfish to want her back so badly like we do.

Alice we continue to remember you and how your made our lives so much better. x

Apologies to so many people I didnt get the chance to photograph in Alice’s chair but came to be with us,  and for the suppliers who got her chair to us in her last days when I explained the urgency.

Alice was always thoughtful when it came to a Father’s Day gift.

To me she was the gift and I miss her.

I was a father, I’m reluctant to give up the title, I don’t want to lose everything.

Going through all the bits and pieces to bring order I came across this.

I remembered it was something Alice bought to allow her to use her hearing aids with her iPad and phone.

Suddenly remembering the challenges of hearing and sight Alice faced as a result of operations, chemotherapy and radiotherapy made me cry.

It all seemed so unfair what she went through but then I remember her amazing resilience and ability to enjoy the small things in life and I feel ashamed.

Walking back today I passed a schoolgirl with a lot of missing hair.

I don’t know if it’s the result of treatment for cancer or something else.

With all my heart I wish her a long, healthy and happy life.

You would have been 26 today Alice. Quite the grown up. Im so sorry you are not here with us so we can celibrate.

Best not to think about how your life may have been if the cancer had not happened.

You lit up our life for 24 years and we can not complain about that, we have missed you so much Alice.

I regret the times in her short life I let Alice down.

The worst and least forgivable was me getting frustrated at her for not being able to do some simple maths homework. I got a bit short with her and made her cry.
I knew her memory and abilities were poorer because of the chemotherapy and I should have been more understanding. Im sorry Alice that I made you cry, I wish I had not.

We were clearing out the kitchen cupboards and came across a tin. In the tin was all the notes Alice wrote to the tooth fairy when she was young.
Floods of tears reading them all, she told the tooth fairy about her treatments, Alice wanted to communicate what she was going through

In this note she talks about nearly falling asleep in the MRI scanner because she was so tired from the treatments

It is very hard not to become angry about why this happened to our beautyful little girl really hard. but we try.

I took this picture of Alice in 2001 just before we found out she had a brain tumour. It must have been just weeks before as I didnt have the film processed until 2018. In 17 years a little of the contrast in the image has faded. Those 17 years had their ups and down, Alice retained her spirit through it all.

For most of life Alice knew and expressed joy. The cancer was always in the background but she did not let that spoil her life. I cannot say I would be as strong as Alice was. She was and is an inspiration and we continue to miss her every day. Every day.

Every day we remember Alice but Christmas was a special time for us all and we have lovely memories of her.

I found myself in Kelling Heath and went down a long path to where I remembered a pond.

We stayed as a family in the holiday park there years ago when Alice was young.

Alice loved the park. The pond in those days had just been reworked and it was quite bare, just a hole filled with water and a few people fishing.

Finding that in the intervening years it had become a beautiful place made me both happy and sad, happy that not all that happens in the world is destructive or ugly even though it feels like that.

Overwhelmed with the beauty I wish Alice could have seen it like this and be inspired by it also.